Here at the cottage again

I am so emotional right now …
I wish all of my pain could go away.
And I am at the cottage again , sitting down writing this poem.
And thinking about my depression and how emotional I am .
It has been 11 months since my dark lover has leave me.
And I haven’t been myself since he leave me.
My wrist is scar free for 10 months .
But sometime I wish I could just kill myself and not worry about my life any more.
My heart is black and cold .

We are at the lake for the second time.
The fire is bright and the weather is cold but beautiful .
I have all the time in the world to relax and not think about you .
The water is so clam and quiet .
It finally day time and I don’t sleep at all last night .
I was up all night thinking about you .
And I know that you have pass on .
And now I know you are one with the earth.
And I am happy about that .

A month pass by and I am standing over you tombstone.
Tears fall down the my face.
Now I can’t stop crying .
I don’t understand why I cry so much when I see your tombstone.
I am tired of cry all the time.
It a full moon tonight and every other night this week.
The weather is still cold and I am still emotional .
So I start writing in my diary again and again.
Trying to understand what is make me emotional all the time.

So I make cup of tea and I light up the fireplace .
And I start thinking about life .
Than I start to cry because every time I think about my life, I start thinking the things I regret doing when you were still alive .
The one thing I do regret doing is letting you leave me that day when you die.
I feel so sorry for letting you dead.
I am so sorry for hurting you.
I love you very much.
And I never wanted you to leave me.
Now I am hurting from the lose of you.
Your death really damaged me.

I cry all the time.
I wish that you were still alive to take care of me.
I wish I could stop crying over your death.
I am still at the cottage.
The fire is bright and the stars are out.
And my family is with me.
My family has no idea how damaged and depression I am.
I wish that they could understand whut I am going through.

They will never understand whut I am going through.
I cry a lot since you have dead.
And no one understand me.
I wish my family and everybody else could understand me.
It’s raining outside.
There is a full moon tonight and it is so bright.
There is black crows outside in the rain.
I lock myself in my room tonight and I am crying again.
I miss you.
I miss being with you.

I cried myself to sleep last night.
And now it’s daytime and it’s still raining.
I just wish for this pain to go away.
I am still here at the cottage.
I am one peace here at the cottage.
I wish you could be here with me.

Please I wish you could be with me.
I am so lonely without you.
I cry all the time because you are not here me.
Please come back to me, not in person but in spirit.
It always rains down here at the cottage.
I am in back pain right now.
I am depressed too.
I wish I had someone to take care of me.
Please goddess bring someone into my life.

Someone who could take care of me.
I am so lonely here at the cottage.
It’s fall and the leaves are turning colors .
I may has leave the cottage but my spirit has remained here at this place.
My remembers of your death would remained with me forever.
But now I have to live my life without in it.
This is the last time I will be here at the cottage.

Good bye my lover.